"Safenizing America"

In the spirit of Sam Clemens, I want to pass along this little tale, written a few years ago, called Safenizing America:

Now our fine leaders have been working their tails off to securitize America lately, but there are yet a few ways the Department of Homeland Security could safenize us even more. Why I was reading the other day that over half of the 44,000 people per year killed on highways are due to drunken drivers, which makes them a good deal more dangerous than shoe bombers. Supposin' we git them TSA folks to set up check points outsida bars:

 TSA: "Sir, would you please take off your jacket and shoes and put them on the belt?"

 Tipsy customer, swaying to maintain balance: "Jack off'n my shoos?" He fumbles with his zipper.

TSA, greatly concerned: "No, sir! Remove your jacket and shoes. We need to scan them for signs of alcohol!"

 Customer: "Yeth, thir!" He leans over to untie his shoes and does a face plant.

"Code red! Code red!" shouts the TSA agent. The potential killer is surrounded and carried away, multiple casualties averted.

But drunk driving is just a fraction of the 122,000 deaths due to chronic lower respiratory disease, primarily caused by smoking or secondary smoke inhalation. Surely if DHS were serious about Safenizing America, they would be instructing citizens to be vigilant in monitoring their neighbors for signs of cigarette smoke. What follows is a sample call from a new DHS Homeland Security hotline in testing:

Hotline: "You have reached the DHS biochemical hazards hotline. To report ignition of chemical toxins in a restroom, press 1. To report purchase of chemical toxins for use by a minor, press 2. To report chemical toxins ignited in a closed room inhabited by a young child, press 3.

But even cigarettes disappear in a puff of smoke when compared to the true terrorists: snack food vendors! Cardio vascular problems, primarily caused by excess weight or bad carbs, kill a whopping 937,000 Americans per year. Surely DHS should turn their attention to the Weapons of Mass Digestion that lay waste to so many victims each year! Here is a possible scenario:

At the immigration crossing just north of Buffalo, a terrorist, disguised as a pasty-skinned Canadian, stops his vehicle.

 Immigration Officer: "Alright, I see those bags of Tim Horton's in the back seat! Open 'em up, now!" He inspects the circular fat bombs, ready to burrow their way into innocent American bellies, sleeper cells for the coming attack to the heart. "Just how many Americans did you intend to knock of with these babies?"

The motorist is handcuffed and shipped to Guantanamo for questioning.

Chief: "Does anybody here speak Canuk?"

Guard Joe: "Ok, my Dad was Canuk, eh?"

Joe takes motorist into the questioning room. Waterboard, rack and other implements of torture add a hint of whimsy and melodrama to the otherwise unimaginative decor:

Joe: "Ok, Canuk. Where'd ya get the WMD's, eh? Who's funded ya, eh? Al qaeda?."

Motorist: "But they were just jelly donuts, eh? I borrowed the money from my kid's piggy bank, eh?"

Joe, dropping the pretense: "Carrying lethal weapons across international borders is a serious offense, young man! Over 2000 Americans a day die from heart attacks! And it's all because the likes of you bringing your Canuk rituals to America! I've seen you! Facing toward the dinner table six times a day, praying! You don't fool me!"

Joe holds a bag of Tom Horton's over the toilet bowl.

Motorist: "Ok, then! Please! I'll tell you everything I know, eh?"

And so we see another tragedy averted, all due to the Safenizing of America.